Carl Stilwell AKA CaLokie

BUMPER WARS 

How the Big Bang happened: 

God said, “Bang” and it happened! 

THAT WAS ZEN 

THIS IS TAO 

My Father in Heaven 

can beat up your father in Heaven 

My goddess gave birth to your god 

You’re just jealous cause the voices 

are only talking to me 

Believe those who seek the truth  

Doubt those who find it 

WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO?  

Optimistic - even in the face of reality 

Keep your government hands off my Medicare 

If you think education is expensive try ignorance 

Gun control means being able to hit your target. 

Support your right to arm bears 

ABORTION IS MURDER 

MEAT IS MURDER 

I love animals; they’re delicious 

Heart attacks: God’s revenge for eating his animal friends 

HORN BROKEN--Watch for Finger 

CAUTION! I drive like you do 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend  

but she left me before we met.  

Socialism doesn’t mean taking wealth from people  

who work hard and give it to people who don’t 

You’re thinking of capitalism 

My wife's other car is a broom  

Your lonely old maid aunt is really a happy lesbian 

Feminist chicks dig me 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species 

Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship 

Princess: having had sufficient experience with princes,  

seeks frog 

LIFE IS TOO SHORT   

TO WASTE WITH UGLY  

WOMEN 

MEN   

Tell Me About It, Bukowski!

In the first race

the frontrunner

I bet   

loses 

in a photo finish

to a  closer

I should’ve bet .

In the second race

I bet on

a closer

and 

the frontrunner

I could’ve bet 

wins wire to wire

by 5 lengths.

In the third race

my horse wins

but is 

disqualified 

by a steward’s inquiry.

In the fourth race 

the chalk I bet 

is beat 

by a longshot

I could’ve bet.

In the fifth

the longshot 

I bet

is beat by the 

chalk

I should’ve bet.

In the sixth

I was in a long line

to get a beer

and the race starts

before 

I can get 

to the teller

and the 25-1 horse

I would’ve bet

wins 

by 10 lengths.

Before  the seventh race 

I have to take 

a long crap

but I make it 

just in time to bet 

on

a horse

that breaks down

at the quarter pole.

I’m broke

and head for 

the parking lot.

When I get inside

my car

I reach 

for a  bottle

of whiskey from  

the glove compartment

The son of a bitch’s

empty.

My shaking hand

finds  a Beethoven 

tape 

and I reach down

to jam it in the car’s 

cassette player

when I find out

some motherfucker

has stolen it.